Pursuit of Happiness with less pain

In the Winter of 2000, my body began to change. What caused the change, caustic chemicals we worked with in the Special FX Makeup Industry, for some reason I have a vague memory of my Brother and I playing with mercury from a thermometer, but I cannot remember whether we physically touched the mercury or not. So, back to where I began. within 6 months of the onset of these changes I found myself having to use a wheelchairs and crutches to get around. Over a year later I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis. What began in my feet has spread through most parts of my body, including my knees, hands, elbows, hips. Small cracks in my ribs from when they broke years ago, also swell up. I've lived with chronic pain for nearly 15 years now. Everyday, every waking moment. Many friends comment on my ability to "cope" with all this pain. They say my out look is inspiring to others, but to me, I'm just living. I have to. I succumbed to my pain for too many years. When you wallow in self pity and despair it not only effects you but it affects your relationships with friends and family. No one wants to hear anyone whine and go on and on about their suffering. I've been through so much, now it's just a matter of getting on with life, just doing the best I can.
I'm in pain when I'm sitting, standing, sleeping, walking, all - the - time.

I've been lucky enough, sometimes with having the finances to escape away to places with hot dry weather and this is very beneficial to me. When I've been in Nevada and Arizona, my inflammation and pain subsided quite substantially. When I was in Egypt in 2010, the changes where near miraculous. I'd rather not go to the US. Nothing against the Country, it's just not for me. It's very difficult to get into the US and live, let alone go there for a few months at a time and returning here.
Egypt, where I'd dream to live is of course embroiled with the fall out from the Arab Spring. IS and the Muslim brotherhood are the top of the ever present dangers of being a foreigner living in Egypt. Albeit it several sources I am in contact with say that the Southern parts of the country, Aswan, Luxor etc... are relatively safe. They tell you not to travel by land, but recommend flying in and flying out of those areas. When I was on my 16 day tour of Egypt, my guide said that it could be quite lucrative for me to teach English there as many officials, professors, teachers, tour guides as they all want to be more than proficient in speaking English, it's very embarrassing for them to pronounce anything incorrectly.
So for now, I wait, I watch, I look for jobs, I look for "ins" to get myself there someday. On my Long Term Disability, I can go anywhere on the planet and still receive the benefits, I just have some restrictions that I'd have to attend to in order to keep that disability, albeit, if I found work and it was stable and steady, I could maybe leave the LTD and just live a "normal" life.
My doctors say that too much damage has occurred in my joints to ever be "pain free", even if my arthritis was cured or went into remission, I'd still be in pain.
All I've ever wanted is financial stability, that's it and I'm not talking about being a millionaire here, I just mean being able to live without the fear of debt or poverty.
Some day, one day I will attain it.

The other day I ran into a friend of mine who also has a disability, he's an artist and a very talented one at that. We were talking about our ambitions, our abilities and our futures and he suddenly turned to me and said, "So, we could make it, do what we've always wanted, excel at it, but we're both hindered by our disabilities to go all the way" and it's true. I know, I have what it takes to excel at whatever I want to do. I've come so close to major success before, but have had it snatched away by not only my disability but also by lack of discipline and focus. I'm not sure if the lack of discipline could be entirely blamed upon my arthritis. I've been fervently educating myself on discipline and focus and it's not a goal, it's not something one can earn or atone to, it's just there and all one has to do is do it... For many years, during my years of fear with anxiety, OCD and agoraphobia my motto was 'Feel the fear and do it anyways', with my "years of fear" behind me, the motto has been altered to fit my present disadvantage and I say, 'Feel the pain and do it anyways', because like I said, the pain is always there.
 

The Quest of a lifetime

When I was young, I remember quite well walking through the cu-de-sac we lived in with thoughts about "God" religion and the inevitable end. Our family "Anglican", wasn't the most fervent, we went to church each Sunday, attended Sunday school, I even sang for a while in the church choir.
Then like many families ours fell out of religion, we slowly began to only appear at the Chris Church Cathedral (an amazing "gothic" style church dating back to the mid 1800's.) for Easter and Christmas, then just one or the other, then none.
But in my youth before our family lost religion I had pondered about "god" and if it was real or not. I don't know if it was our house or if it was the fact that we had a Loyalist graveyard in our backyard that seemed to steer me towards the "unknown". I do remember in our grandparents side of our family home that I found some small booklets on "Witchcraft" and "magic". My interest in the unknown grew to finding books at the local library on Ghosts and the paranormal. This was when I was around 12-13.
As I grew and my mind sought ever more to cram it full of information and as music entered my life, I gravitated toward the "heavier" "evil" side of music and the influences and beliefs of the musicians I was a fan of soon began to influence what I read and what I believed. H.P. Lovecraft and Clive Barker came into my life. But somewhere, sometime, I lost faith. I no longer believed in an almighty, omniscient creator. I'm a realist, when someone dies, I feel loss, I feel grief but not like others. When my best friends wife passed away, I felt and displayed more grief for him than I did for her. When my Mother passed away, I mourned and again I grieved but not like my Brothers. I'm adopted, so I don't know if that's part of it all. I don't feel loss or confusion about my disbelief, it just seems right to me. I keep feeling about my disbelief that like in Nacho Libre, "I am a man of Science", which I'll more freely put a capital let to than to any "god".
 I feel religion is the bane of the Worlds existence, the violence, hatred, terrorism, brainwashing, racism, sexual exploit and abuse that stems from Religion seems to be ever growing and not waning.
When we die, we'll go back to the universe that created us.

The 43rd Year

Well my friends, it's been an awfully long time since I've visited my "blog". I think around the time I had started this page on Blogger.com, I had just been introduced and pressured, badgered into joining Facebook. I had tried at length to stay away from Facebook. I had this page, MySpace and the tail ends of the websites I had maintained since around 2000. Now I find myself bored, overwhelmed sometimes sicked, sometimes embarrassed by the inundation of information, the bragging, the lies, the deceit, the two facedness of Facebook (I know two facedness is not a word). The joy, the surprise, the anger, the friendships, the guilt, the sin, the modest and the meek.
Facebook is also somewhat of a necessity, volunteering at the college/community radio station as Music Director, the resurrection of the heavy Metal radio show the 'Crazy Train' and of course the reunion of the band I was part of during the mid 1990's 'The Wasteland Zombies' all require a certain amount of exposure, promotion. I guess, a necessary evil. So I'm trying to stay away. To keep from facebook as often and as long as I can. But with several Zombies shows coming up and the guys in the band, most of them, well all of them except one do not even use FB, the one that does, isn't quite computer savvy, so I couldn't leave it up to him to maintain what needs to be done.
With all this being said, well it's time to be return here. I'm not sure how often I'll get here, but I'll try to post. Try to enlighten, to educate to understand. As the title of the blog says, "There's No Way Back From Here"...

Heavy duty damage

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Signs

I had to laugh... I'm sorry folks, I never usually read over my posted Blog as you the reader see it. My Brother Gordy was saying that the white on black "messes with his eyes"... Now I know what he means. I'll change it to black text on white... I just always liked the look of white text on black. Though I think it's because I do my "blogging" often late at night and in the dark.

A few times when I was in Vancouver recently, my friend Thomas and I noticed that Mike's wife's name seemed to be "appearing" everywhere.
The other night while walking on the train bridge in Fredericton, I came across a section of the side rail with "I lov you Mandy xoxo" etched into the wood. I went back last night and got the attached photo:

Where to start....

Ever since the morning of April 19th, I haven't been here, I haven't been anywhere. one of the most tragic events I can think of amongst my most close personal friends occurred that morning. I wont go into any details suffice to say, my best friend lost his wife. That he is shattered is an understatement. He loved her with all his heart and told me they were soul mates. You could see and feel the energy emanating from both of them. She was beautiful, smart, funny, quick witted and so very talented. He is, smart, great looking, funny, not so quick witted, but an amazingly talented man. That the two should meet up together in this lifetime, might lend proof to our lives being preordained.
Upon hearing the news, I knew right away I needed to be at my Brother's side. Some good friends of our that live close to him, set into action and helped to maintain some sense of sanity, to the insanity of what had happened. My best friends parents are too elderly to go out West and his sister is fighting cancer. I had to go for everyone here who loves him, and carry that message to him in the most crucial of times. The friends that were taking care of him, not only helped him in every way, but also helped to ensure I could make it out west. Havning a Brother that works for Westjet, my friend asked her Brother if he might donate his "buddy pass" to me, so I could fly out, otherwise, the cost to fly out to Vancouver from here is astronomical and the emergency trip more than likely wouldnt have happened had it not been for that "Buddy Pass". My endless thanx and gratitude to them.
On Tuesday April 23, I made a bittersweet return to Vancouver. I spent as much time as I could with my best friend, knowing there was really nothing I could do, no power to bring back who he had lost and it broke my heart to see him in such pain....Even now thinking about it, tears stream from my eyes. I've never cried so hard in my life. And all my pain, for him or my arthritis, was NOTHING compared to the pain and torture he was going through...

When I first got to his side, he was barely eating and only talking in a whisper, he shook violently and moan in grief... I'd never seen this side of him, I don't think he had either...
I accompanied him to the viewing and I met her parents, we grieved together for a beautiful woman who left us much to soon.
I had not planned to speak at the memorial, but at the last minute, felt I had something to say. I can't recall much of what I said. I know I said, that he was my Brother and I loved him dearly. I remember saying how much we all loved her and how she had touched so many people's lives when they had just recently visited us in our home town here. I remember asking, almost pleading with all of our friends and family's there in attendance to please watch over my best friend, and in a month, in two or six months, they had to be there with him, never leave him alone, never let him feel alone or that he can't turn to them for anything.
The days after the memorial were spent consoling and trying to convince him he was not to blame... I think guilt comes with every passing of someone's loved one. 'What could we have done?' ' If only, we had done this or  that'... But it's all futile, because it wont bring anyone back, it wont heal any wounds, but it is part of the process.
It was the most difficult moment to leave him. I know he's in good hands, but he's my best bud and again, it rips my heart in half to think of his pain and again to know, there's nothing that anyone can do, but let time heal the wound, more than likely never to fully mend.

On a little bit of a brighter note. I did manage some time to meet with former co workers, colleagues and friends for a lunch at my favorite Vancouver Schezuan restaurant. Got to hang out with my "other" best friend Jay, and we got to visit an old friend of ours and smoke some fine cigars.

I'm back home now. The reality of what happened still wont set in. I met with my best friends family last night, to help to explain to them what happened. How someone so beautiful so smart, who seemed to have everything one could want in the World, could be gone. None of us can make sense of it.
I don't think we ever will...

Spring, but delayed

This North and North West wind that's been blowing almost steady for the last 48hours is really buming out my Spring. It had got so nice, then about 2 days ago this wind came up. Day temps were said to be about +4 but with this wind, they dropped to well below Zero... Today I had got up early, rarin to go, I knew it'd be cold and windy out, so I dressed what I thought was suitable. Set out to go to the bank and had turned back about halfway to Regent.... Came home, bundled up some more and took Alita out instead. I just have to get some paperwork from the Bank and then i can open my membership at the Y and get swimming and to the gym. After my walk with Alita, my left knee (which had been bugging me when I had got up) and my ankles felt like they were going to give out on me.
So I crashed for the afternoon. It was just a tiny bit warmer when i got up, but just took Alita out for a short walk and then had supper. So tomorrow, as long as it isn't as ridiculous as this morning was, I'll get the banking done and get to the Y. I probably wont start gym work, until I can book my one free training session and get an idea of what would be good for me to do as a routine. I don't want to "bulk up" or anything, just some basic range of motion exercises. Swimming,  I can do some pool exercise and it'll have some good passive resistance.
Coming up on the 13th of April is the 1 year anniversary for the Doug's Fight benefit that was held for my old bandmate and good bud Doug Gibbon. He beat his battle with cancer and is tomorrow even returning back to his old job. So there can't be much more fantastic news than that. It'll be cool to see some of the old |Dreamkick guys and fans. The Oromocto and surrounding area probably held our biggest fan base. I'm quite lookin forward to the show. Doug's band 'Alter Ego', will be playing. In that band are of course Doug and Peter Gillies whom I played in Dreamkick with and their drummer is Glenn Brown, who was our drummer in the Wasteland Zombies.
Other than that, i wait for warmer weather and for Summer to come. Quite stoked. Things are kinda looking up...
 Added in some recent pix of Demon Kitty 'Elsa', She kitty of the MM